A little something on my mind.

So…it’s been quite a while since my last update. Believe me I’ve had plenty to say just not enough time to say it. Now that finals are over and my break is MUCH less hectic I have decided that it is time to say the things that have been on my mind lately. : ) This post I’m going to spend some time talking about me. I feel like I need to get some things off my chest. So here goes.

Starting from the beginning, I have this boyfriend and he’s great and I care so much for him, but he also has a LOT of verrrrry pretty friends all of which happen to be girls. For those of you who don’t know me I’m probably one of the most self-conscious people you will ever meet. On top of that I have like severe trust issues. Thus creating the problem I am discussing today. It’s not necessarily that I don’t trust him around his friends because I do…for the most part. It’s mostly that I feel so self-conscious and insignificant when I think of all of these pretty people he surrounds him self with. The trust problem comes into play shortly after that thought. How can I trust him not to hurt me when he could leave me at any moment for someone prettier or better than me…

I have been trying to not let it get to me, or bother me but there was a certain incident involving one of his friends that has brought these feelings on again only stronger.  And no matter how hard I try I can’t help but feel unimportant…idk.

While my bf told me I have nothing to worry about that he doesn’t see his friends the way I do it is still nagging at me. *heavy sigh I know that I’m being trivial but I just can’t help it. I hope that by writing it down and getting it off my chest maybe now I’ll be able to move past it and just hope that he’ll always see his friends as just that friends…. thanks for listening.

The guts it's taken you

Just to say what you mean.

Let's do this right tonight.

Cause there's no in between.

The self-deprecation of

What you put your faith in

Has brought you to your knees.

You're waiting at the starting line,

What if the gun is empty?

- Framing Hanley  

Thankful

I know that it's been a few days since Thanksgiving but I'm feeling slightly down and I think that recapping  the things I'm thankful for will help put me in a better mood. So here goes 10 things i'm thankful for...

I'm thankful:

for my parents. There always there for me when I really need them.

for my sister. Living 5 blocks from her is great! It's always great to go over to her house! 

for Eva Kay. She's more then a friend! She is a wonderful person and I don't know where I would be without her!

for my boyfriend. Jared is so sweet. It's hard living an hour away but it could be worse. 

also that Jared is no longer in the army. I can't imagine him being deployed!

for my very dear friends! Near and far. I have so many amazing friends from back home as well as all the new ones I have made since coming to college. Where ever you are I'm so glad that you're apart of my life! 

for my ability to better my education. sure college is more then a little bit expensive but i know i am gaining wisdom and knowledge!

for the country that I live in. No it's not perfect but i'm able to go to the church i want to, write this blog lol, vote, and so much more. 

for my ability to be creative and have original thoughts. having add may mean you're distracted but it also means that i get to have crazy hair-brianed ideas!

for music. lyrics and music say what i can't. i couldn't imagine a world without music!!!!!

for all of the things i've been able to see. i've traveled some. and it opened my eyes to just how big and grand the world really is!

Well thats it. Just a few things i'm thankful for. :) 

"I worry
I wonder all the time
Why worry?
It's killing me
Forget about it"
- All American Rejects

Finding Direction...?

So last night I had this… interesting discussion with one of my bf’s best friends. This guy just so happens to be about 9 years older then me. He can be rather, hmm how to put it, a pain in the butt. However, last night he came in (in a not so sober state mind you) and starts asking me about life. You know the basics. “What do you want to do with your life?” “Why are you going to college?” “What are you majoring in and why?” Normally these questions don’t bother me too much. I give my answer and the questioner takes them at face value. Not this guy. No my answers aren’t good enough. When he asked why I was majoring in Advertising and Marketing I gave a pretty much standard response: “ Because I’m enjoying it so far and I feel like I could be an advertiser.” To which he respond “So what? Is there really a demand for advertisers? As a business owner myself tell me why I should want to higher an advertising agency.” I sat there slightly dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say. Nobody had actually asked me that. Never asked a black or white question like that. I didn’t know what to say, so I just told him to stop “ you’re stressing me out!!!”

So he did he moved off of college and on to life in general. He told me something that is still resonating with me. He told me that the life I knew as an 18 year would be DRASTICALLY different then when I am say 27, 28, 29 years old. Which I thought that was kind of obvious. I would have graduated college by then and got a job. Blah blah blah. All that fun stuff. But he went on to explain that when he was 18 he never saw himself in the position he was in today, the owner of a successful business and a homeowner. “Now I don’t mean to be egotistical but I have a lot going for me.” Here he told me a personal story that I don’t quite feel right telling to the Internet but let’s just say the moral of the story was that those things didn’t mean anything to him. He would give them up in a second if he could just go back and have another shot at being 18. While he said he doesn’t regret anything in his life after that certain time he still would give it all up to go back. “You know a lot more at 18 then people give you credit for.”

That really hit home with me. Am I doing everything I can right now to be the person I want to become? It’s such a scary thought because I’m not sure I even know who I want that person to be. I know that I want to be a good Christian that leads a good life, but what about work? Is advertising/marketing something I want to pursue? All questions that I know I will find the answer to eventually. I just hope it’s not to late. I just hope that one day I don’t sit back and say, “I wish I would/wouldn’t have…” And as to this drastic change… I just don’t really know what to say. It’s obvious that it happens. Does it happen to everyone? I don’t know the answer to that. I do know that I’ll be following my intuition more. I mean I’m 18 and I know more then people give me credit for. ;)

In close, I know I have chosen to keep this person anonymous (and he’ll never actually read this) I would still like to thank him. He gave me a lot of really good advice, and helped me see things more clearly/realistically.

"And I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling

I'm feeling inspired

My world just flip turned upside down

It turns around, say what's that sound

It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder

My heart beat, is stronger than ever

I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive"

-Secondhand Serenade 

Just a thought.

Last night I had a visitor. She is a very dear friend of mine. After watching the A-mazing movie V for Vendetta we started chatting and catching up on how things were. Soon our conversation moved to more serious issues. One of them being bad things that we’ve done or had done to us. This friend of mine felt horrible about things she had done. Which, I commend her for. Because most people just ignore when they’ve done something bad. Anyway as we were talking I had sort of a revelation. So now you as my blog readers get to hear about it. I hope you’re ready.
Today I would like to talk about the belief that people are inherently good. I use to be a believer in this phrase but after careful examination of different situations I don’t think that it is wholly and completely true. I do believe that we are born pure and innocent but I don’t think that we stay that way. I’m sure that you as a reader can think of a time when someone has hurt you by being mean or doing something bad. I’m also sure that if you’re honest with yourself you can think of a time when you have hurt someone.
Doing bad things is something that we all will continue to do. And having bad things done to us is also something that is going to continue. The only solution that I can come up with is to learn from the bad things in life. I know this seems trivial and you’re probably thinking “Duh! We already know that!” But I’m talking about really learning from it! What do I mean by “really learning”? I mean that we need to learn from both having bad things done to us as well as when we do bad things to others and then put what we learned in to practice.
I think that today we have a problem with fixating on how someone was mean to us or did something that negatively affected us. And while taking some time to feel bad about what happened is acceptable and normal I feel like we shouldn’t fixate to the point of never accepting that it happened to you. Because if you never accept it then how can you learn the lesson out of it?
On the other hand learning from doing bad things is just as important. It’s essential that you recognize that you have hurt someone or that you have done something bad to somebody. Once you can admit that then it’s time to assess the situation. What did you do? Why did you do it? If your excuse is “They were mean to me first.” Then you haven’t learned to accept that bad things happen. Which also means that you aren’t ready to examine and learn from the bad things you have done. Annnnyway, once you have answered these questions then take those answers and next time you’re faced with a similar situation you can face it differently.
Do I think that people will change? No. Do I think that some how, someway people can be inherently good? No. I think to believe so is naïve, because bad things happen every single day. It’s unavoidable. I do, however, believe that you can become a stronger person from being hurt and that you can become a better person from learning from the bad things in life.
Well kids that’s really all I have to say on that the matter so…until next time.
~rah


"There ain’t no reason things are this way.
Its how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.
Preachers on the podium speakin’ of saints in seance,
Prophets on the sidewalk beggin’ for change,
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name.
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something
Just to have it taken away."
-Brett Dennen 

Hi Hello.

For the past few weeks I've been contemplating getting a blog. Finally I decided that I would step out of the box and just do it. So...here we are. I'm not sure where I want to go with my blog. Most likely it will be a "rant" style blog but who knows it might just be inspirational. Two completely different aspects to blogging but it will just depend on the mood I'm in. I realize a grand total of 2 people will probably ever read this but I just feel the need to be out there. Be apart of something bigger than myself. Facebook is cool and all but you can't express everything you want to on your status in the 1000 character limit. So here goes my newest adventure. Blogging. Here goes....
~rah